My Faves from “Sh*t My Dad Says”

Cover of "Sh*t My Dad Says"

Cover of Sh*t My Dad Says

I took a break from philosophy and religion this week to read the book (eBook, actually, on my iPad–love that thing!) Sh*t My Dad Says by 29-year-old author, Justin Halpern. It’s simply a collection of vignettes and quotes featuring Justin’s epically blunt father, whom the author refers to as “the least passive-aggressive human being on the planet.” The book had its rare tender moments, but for the most part was just plain hilarious. (It had me in tears of laughter at several points.) Warning: this book isn’t for the faint of heart or vulgarity-averse. It’s as raw as it gets, but it’s also as entertaining as it gets, too. Best of all, CBS has turned it into a sitcom starring William Shatner that premiers on CBS this fall. Without further ado, here a few of my favorite Sam Halpern quotes from the book:

On Going Away to Camp

“Relax, it’ll be fine. You’ll build fires, set up tents, sleep outside, it’ll be fun….Oh, it’s basketball camp? Huh. Well, cross out that sh*t I said you were gonna do and just replace it with ‘play basketball,’ I guess.”

On Waterslides

“You go on ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine.”

On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you’re complaining to the wrong man. I can sh*t anywhere, at any time. It’s one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”

On Leaving My Toys Around the House

“G*ddamn it, I just sat on your g*oddamned truck guy….Optimus Prime? I don’t give a sh*t what it’s called, keep it away from where I like to put my ass.”

On Slumber Parties

“There’s chips in the cabinet and ice cream in the freezer. Stay away from knives and fire. I’ve done my part. I’m going to bed.”

On Appropriate Times to Give Gifts

“Yeah, I got him a gift. He got his kidney stone taken out. If you shoot a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the f*cking back.”

On My Bloody Nose

“What happened? Did somebody punch you in the face?!…The what? The air is dry? Do me a favor and tell people you got punched in the face.”

On Getting a Job as a Cook at Hooters

“You, my good man, are not as dumb as I first f*cking suspected.”

On My Interest in Going Skydiving

“You won’t go do that, I know it….Son I used to wipe your ass, I know you better than you know you….Fine, Mom used to wipe it, but I was usually nearby.”

I can’t wait to see what Shatner does with this.

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One comment on “My Faves from “Sh*t My Dad Says”

  1. alywaibel
    November 26, 2010 at 7:11 pm #

    Hilarious!!!

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